Drifting

When I started this blog I’d intended for it to be focused strictly on fitness and as a place to occasionally spaz over my nerdy loves. Lee Sun Kyun, anyone? His voice is just so… seductive seems too tame a descriptor.  Somehow this morphed into something else entirely. For someone that’s spent that majority of their life writing, I find myself unable to accurately describe the direction this has taken. Mainly a place where I reflect on various things and might share the rare story excerpt. Odd how that works out, isn’t it?

I went out bowling with 3-4 friends and I had a decent time. A great time if I’m to be completely honest. I’ve stayed home for the last couple of years to help family with a few matters and don’t get out much so it was wonderful to see them  outside of the occasional Sunday service. There was even mention of possibly going golfing in a couple of weeks. I will readily admit to being an extreme introvert, but this seemed to be one of the rare times where I didn’t feel exhausted from being around people after only a few minutes.

Everything was great until I got some bad news. Someone important in my life passed away. I found out through a text from the one person I trust to never say something like that as a prank. Y’all I don’t cry. I just don’t. But this was different. I felt like the whole world had fallen away. There was this persistent ringing/buzzing in my ears. I couldn’t feel, barely see and felt like I was suffocating in addition to being nauseated.I didn’t want them to see me with anything other than a smile so despite the overwhelming urge to rail at the unfairness of life, I waited until I made it to an empty restroom to cry my heart out. Pitiful, isn’t it? Crying alone in an empty restroom because… I’m not sure why. I guess I just didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s good mood.  I’m not ashamed to admit that my faith, for a brief moment, was shaken. I don’t know what to do to help the others affected by what happened.

So, if I seem morose that’s why. I’m completely adrift in a sea of ashen grief and wormwood stained helplessness. I loathe being unable to fix this or wave my fairy wand and make it so this didn’t happen. I want to write again tomorrow but probably won’t since I need at least that time to process what’s happened.

Blogging 101: The first 5 days

Day 1: Mordor and other Things

Day 2: I chose “Journey Out of Mordor” as my tagline

Day 3:

         Blogs I followed

              Simply Marquessa

             Maxed Out Muscles

            28 and Counting

           The Flexi Foodie

           The Ivie League

     Tags

Life

Nutrition

Weight Lifting

Humor

Breaking News

Day 4: A tweet was embedded into the Writing 101 post post for  Day 5

Day 5: I tried out the Flounder theme but thought it looked way too much like Tumblr for my comfort. Capoverso made me feel like I was stuck in the Forties but Penscratch was close enough to what I wanted so I went with that.

Creature of Habit

I’ve thought this to myself so many over the years that it’s practically seared into the cells of my being. Damn, that sounded unbelievably pretentious. But that doesn’t make it any less true. I’ve been writing fiction since I was broody little ankle biter and it’s always been the same routine. I’d get struck with an idea for an interesting story, work feverishly for a week or two and suddenly lose all desire to continue. Then, anywhere from six to eighteen months later an idea for how to proceed with an older story would hit and the cycle would begin again. It’s made me realize that I need to develop a habit of working daily on the projects I’ve got going right now.

Unforgettable

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CRACK!

Silver blue streaks race across an otherwise unblemished afternoon sky. The smells of relaxation waft towards the tangle of sheets, a fragrant blend of peppery bacon, warm cinnamon, sweet cream on scones and pungent, first-flush Darjeeling. Minutes later a soft knock sounds against the open door. The lump twitches.

“Breakfast is served milady.”

It snores. Rolls to the left. Right. Left again. The linen mass tumbles to the floor

A soft snort punctuates the fall. “Go away Rex.” An arm snakes out of the mess, swatting at some imagined figure. The intruder stills, tray balanced precariously on one hand. A faint wrinkle forms.

“Rex?” he mutters quietly. Seconds later, a decision is made and the tray set on the nightstand.A sticky-sweet strip of bacon pilfered from its brethren.

“No,” she groans “not the bacon.”

He freezes barely millimeters from consuming stolen booty. How did she know?


A drowsy snicker escapes. “I see everything.

He shudders. There’s no way.

He shakes off the sudden chill and proceeds to bite into his prize and waits as sixty excruciating pass. Noting the distinct lack of reaction, he reaches for a second slice.

“Not my bacon!

That piteous wail was the final straw. The plan had to be enacted. Bacon in hand, he slunk toward his target. One-two-three muffled steps later the foodstuff is brandished in the general direction of her nose. A chaotic mass of bedhead inches out of the linen cocoon. Her hand latches onto his wrist and, in one smooth motion, he was drawn into The Lair.

Unbearable Lightness of Being

TREASURE
REGRET
HOME
LOVE
UNCERTAINTY
SECRET

Each of these words possess such deep meaning for me that it’s difficult to choose just one. Really, it isn’t just that each of them is personal but also that they are all so interconnected that I can’t separate them. However, for the purpose of this post I’ll just go with ‘Uncertainty’ and toss the rest in The Prompt Box for another time.

Uncertainty is something I’m intimately acquainted with. Growing up, I was uncertain about other kids’ motives in wanting to be friends. Because of the bullying I’d endured, I could never be sure if little Jenny and Timmy were interested in being friends because they liked me or just wanted me to do their homework. Why would I have been bullied? Because I was different. As a result of a neurological condition I was born with, my vision and motor coordination were significantly affected. Until I’d had about three surgeries to correct it, I was unable to focus both eyes in the same direction. It took nearly three years of physical therapy to correct the issues with my motor coordination. Even then, while my walking improved to the point where the problems I’d had were only noticeable when it rained, I had to go through an additional year of exercises to improve my writing and coordination in my hands. Of course primary aged children are merciless little monsters so I was picked on relentlessly and isolated for differences I couldn’t control.

That led to uncertainty in romantic relationships and indirectly to my issues with food and exercise. That sense of uncertainty quickly bloomed into a subtle, pervasive sense of inferiority. Despite the love and care my family and my few friends showered me with, I just couldn’t shake this feeling that I was somehow less than the other people around me. I would spend hours on a treadmill trying to outrun the orcs and demons that plagued me and hours awake wondering what I’d done to deserve being cosmically shat upon for so long. Even now, with my darling Babycakes I’m still uncertain about why he’s with me of all people when he could easily find someone taller/prettier/bustier/smarter. A woman without a fraction of the issues I have. Who knows? For whatever reason, the silly man puts up with me. He’d probably get really mad at me for being so negative about myself if he saw this but this assignment is about uncertainty.

The Woefully Abridged List of Awesome

Things I Like

H+ : I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about this. I honestly thought I would hate it, but this is surprisingly intriguing and the premise is not a little disturbing to think about. Though I am drawn to dystopian movies and T.V. shows. I love that it’s in small bite-sized episodes so I can actually watch an episode or two while walking to class or washing up after dinner.

They DO exist! : I could almost live off these alone. You know, if I wasn’t attempting to prevent lifestyle-related illnesses. But I think these would be, in a word: awesome as an occasional treat. Or was that five words? Whatever, they’re still ridiculously amazing.

Weasley Sweaters : Now you too, can have a Weasley sweater! That was not an endorsement, I just really like all things Harry Potter. (Can you believe I almost wrote Pooter?) Weasley, most definitely, is my king. Take that blatching Slytherins of the world.

Things I Love

Darebee: If it wasn’t for this site and Nerd Fitness I don’t think I would have been able to approach fitness and exercise in a healthy. Actually, I know I wouldn’t have been able to. Both of these sites helped me view exercise as something enjoyable and not as a way to compensate for dangerous habits. It’s what’s kept me from slipping back into disordered eating and thought patterns.

Mangos: If these were in season here in Texas, my freezer would be filled to overflowing with bags of ripe mangos.

My SO: I probably won’t be discussing him all that much but I am honestly in love with him. We’ve known each other for years and I’m still blown away at the thought that he and I are together. He’s the only man I’ve been involved with that didn’t treat me like a sideshow act when he found out I was questioning my sexuality. Every other man I’ve told treated it as a way to try and coerce me into a threesome. Or as a free pass for them to cheat. But this one? The conversation we had went something like this:

Jean: Babycakes (because I am free to assign cheesy nicknames on the internet)…?

Babycakes: Yes dearest desire of my heart?

Jean: I have something I want to talk to about.

Babycakes: Is it ‘one hug’ serious or ‘Home Spa Day’ serious?

Me: ‘Breakfast in Bed’.

Babycakes:*Starts to sweat* Uh oh. What’s wrong?

Me: Um- Er- oh hell. Would it make you think any less of me if I told you I was bisexual or at least questiong if I’m attracted to women as well as men?

Babycakes: No. Why?

Me: Really?

Babycakes: Yes, really. That doesn’t change who you are to me or my feelings for you.

Now the actual conversation wasn’t close to being as eloquent as the illustration provided but I think this shows one of the reasons why he’s on the list.

Thunderstorms at night

Mordor and other things

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged or even written regularly so both Blogging 101 and Writing 101 seemed like a great way to jumpstart my return. I choose to write because it frees me. Writing is my outlet for extreme emotions whether it’s the joy of finally achieving one of my goals, seeing my loved ones after months apart or the impotent rage that come with the loss of a loved one to terminal illness, ultimately, writing is an escape. Something I consider a healthy coping mechanism and better alternative to past methods. It’s what has helped me accept myself for who I am.

Who am I? I am a massive fan of all things LoTR, Doctor Who, anime, manga, K-Pop (and occasionally pop of the J variety). I am a woman of color and in recovery from an eating disorder for nearly five years. Due to my upbringing this is somewhat difficult to admit but personal Mordor for years has been that I’ve questioned my sexuality. And that I am also a Christian. Reconciling the two has been difficult to say the least, and I may lose out on potential readers for revealing those last two facts, but I’ve found that I just can’t hold it in any longer. Essentially writing and blogging both allow me a safe place where I can be myself without fear of reprisal.

Want to know more?