Unbearable Lightness of Being

TREASURE
REGRET
HOME
LOVE
UNCERTAINTY
SECRET

Each of these words possess such deep meaning for me that it’s difficult to choose just one. Really, it isn’t just that each of them is personal but also that they are all so interconnected that I can’t separate them. However, for the purpose of this post I’ll just go with ‘Uncertainty’ and toss the rest in The Prompt Box for another time.

Uncertainty is something I’m intimately acquainted with. Growing up, I was uncertain about other kids’ motives in wanting to be friends. Because of the bullying I’d endured, I could never be sure if little Jenny and Timmy were interested in being friends because they liked me or just wanted me to do their homework. Why would I have been bullied? Because I was different. As a result of a neurological condition I was born with, my vision and motor coordination were significantly affected. Until I’d had about three surgeries to correct it, I was unable to focus both eyes in the same direction. It took nearly three years of physical therapy to correct the issues with my motor coordination. Even then, while my walking improved to the point where the problems I’d had were only noticeable when it rained, I had to go through an additional year of exercises to improve my writing and coordination in my hands. Of course primary aged children are merciless little monsters so I was picked on relentlessly and isolated for differences I couldn’t control.

That led to uncertainty in romantic relationships and indirectly to my issues with food and exercise. That sense of uncertainty quickly bloomed into a subtle, pervasive sense of inferiority. Despite the love and care my family and my few friends showered me with, I just couldn’t shake this feeling that I was somehow less than the other people around me. I would spend hours on a treadmill trying to outrun the orcs and demons that plagued me and hours awake wondering what I’d done to deserve being cosmically shat upon for so long. Even now, with my darling Babycakes I’m still uncertain about why he’s with me of all people when he could easily find someone taller/prettier/bustier/smarter. A woman without a fraction of the issues I have. Who knows? For whatever reason, the silly man puts up with me. He’d probably get really mad at me for being so negative about myself if he saw this but this assignment is about uncertainty.

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7 thoughts on “Unbearable Lightness of Being

  1. Your pain is palpable, but take it from me, don’t question why a good man loves you. Accept it, rejoice in it, and love him with all your heart. We’re all uncertain about something, but just trying to put one foot in front of the other to carry on.

    Liked by 1 person

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