Drifting

When I started this blog I’d intended for it to be focused strictly on fitness and as a place to occasionally spaz over my nerdy loves. Lee Sun Kyun, anyone? His voice is just so… seductive seems too tame a descriptor.  Somehow this morphed into something else entirely. For someone that’s spent that majority of their life writing, I find myself unable to accurately describe the direction this has taken. Mainly a place where I reflect on various things and might share the rare story excerpt. Odd how that works out, isn’t it?

I went out bowling with 3-4 friends and I had a decent time. A great time if I’m to be completely honest. I’ve stayed home for the last couple of years to help family with a few matters and don’t get out much so it was wonderful to see them  outside of the occasional Sunday service. There was even mention of possibly going golfing in a couple of weeks. I will readily admit to being an extreme introvert, but this seemed to be one of the rare times where I didn’t feel exhausted from being around people after only a few minutes.

Everything was great until I got some bad news. Someone important in my life passed away. I found out through a text from the one person I trust to never say something like that as a prank. Y’all I don’t cry. I just don’t. But this was different. I felt like the whole world had fallen away. There was this persistent ringing/buzzing in my ears. I couldn’t feel, barely see and felt like I was suffocating in addition to being nauseated.I didn’t want them to see me with anything other than a smile so despite the overwhelming urge to rail at the unfairness of life, I waited until I made it to an empty restroom to cry my heart out. Pitiful, isn’t it? Crying alone in an empty restroom because… I’m not sure why. I guess I just didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s good mood.  I’m not ashamed to admit that my faith, for a brief moment, was shaken. I don’t know what to do to help the others affected by what happened.

So, if I seem morose that’s why. I’m completely adrift in a sea of ashen grief and wormwood stained helplessness. I loathe being unable to fix this or wave my fairy wand and make it so this didn’t happen. I want to write again tomorrow but probably won’t since I need at least that time to process what’s happened.