When I started this blog I’d intended for it to be focused strictly on fitness and as a place to occasionally spaz over my nerdy loves. Lee Sun Kyun, anyone? His voice is just so… seductive seems too tame a descriptor. Somehow this morphed into something else entirely. For someone that’s spent that majority of their life writing, I find myself unable to accurately describe the direction this has taken. Mainly a place where I reflect on various things and might share the rare story excerpt. Odd how that works out, isn’t it?
I went out bowling with 3-4 friends and I had a decent time. A great time if I’m to be completely honest. I’ve stayed home for the last couple of years to help family with a few matters and don’t get out much so it was wonderful to see them outside of the occasional Sunday service. There was even mention of possibly going golfing in a couple of weeks. I will readily admit to being an extreme introvert, but this seemed to be one of the rare times where I didn’t feel exhausted from being around people after only a few minutes.
Everything was great until I got some bad news. Someone important in my life passed away. I found out through a text from the one person I trust to never say something like that as a prank. Y’all I don’t cry. I just don’t. But this was different. I felt like the whole world had fallen away. There was this persistent ringing/buzzing in my ears. I couldn’t feel, barely see and felt like I was suffocating in addition to being nauseated.I didn’t want them to see me with anything other than a smile so despite the overwhelming urge to rail at the unfairness of life, I waited until I made it to an empty restroom to cry my heart out. Pitiful, isn’t it? Crying alone in an empty restroom because… I’m not sure why. I guess I just didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s good mood. I’m not ashamed to admit that my faith, for a brief moment, was shaken. I don’t know what to do to help the others affected by what happened.
So, if I seem morose that’s why. I’m completely adrift in a sea of ashen grief and wormwood stained helplessness. I loathe being unable to fix this or wave my fairy wand and make it so this didn’t happen. I want to write again tomorrow but probably won’t since I need at least that time to process what’s happened.
No you don’t seem morose. Grieving over a loss is very normal and even a healthy phenomenon. Take your time, let it out and you will bounce back better. Sorry for the loss. It is never easy losing someone important to us. Do take heart.
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I will. Right now, I’m just focusing on not triggering an anxiety or panic attack. Thank you so much for your kind words.
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You are welcome 🙂
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Oh so sorry to hear that. Courage!
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Thank you. I’ll need it.
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I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.
It’s not an easy thing to lose someone that’s close to you. There’s no shame in crying over it and taking the time to process that grief.
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